Goals? I don't need no stinkin' goals!

Goal statement. I have to write a goal statement. Something saying where I want to be in 10 months. How I want to be. How I want to feel....something more than "xx pounds lighter. Dress size of...". It has to be....more. Personal. Something telling about me. A transformation.  Don't get me wrong, it isn't that I don't have a lot of things that fit the bill of who, how and what I want to be but it is that "putting it down on paper in a tidy little statement" that is going to be a near impossible task for me.

You see I won a contest for this transformation. \Ki'netik\, a local fitness center, was having a contest where, if picked as the winner, you win the most incredible 10 month membership ever. You get coaching, diet, the workouts (minimum 4 a week + 2 cardio outside of the gym). It is meant to not just change the body but everything. The  winner will be better... I will be better. And part of this is writing a goal statement on where I want to be at the conclusion of the 10 months.

Today should have helped. In a very round about way it should have helped. This could have been perfect timing to be given this assignment after the seminar. So at work our department went to a seminar about how to deal with difficult people. (OK stop right there...I'm not being difficult and I'm not going to have conversations with myself. Well, maybe a few.) The part that applies is where we took a quick personality test to determine where we fall on the personality graph. Which quadrant determines your style, your way of communicating, your thought processes, your reactions to about anything.  Looking at the traits of each quadrant, I couldn't see a clear one. I didn't feel a pull toward anything. The test agreed. BOTH of my scores fell exactly on the center. I'm.....everything. And nothing. All in one. Granted this wasn't the most scientific of evaluations, the ones I've taken in the past have said pretty much the same thing. I'm all over the map by being right in the middle of everything.What the hell am I supposed to do with that? 

I'm trying to figure out who I am. All I want is one definition. And maybe that's just it. There isn't one and maybe I shouldn't be looking for it, but I am just the same. And now I need to actually define something about me that isn't all over the map. It's very hard for me to commit to a tiny box I know I can change, modify and grow and completely burn and redefine at will! But the thought of any box is terrifying and comforting all at once. I want definition but fear being stuck. I guess that's why I had 2 wildly different majors in college. Why, despite my software background I gravitate toward photo using alternative processes. Why I'm hard and defined and need things completed in a certain way and then turn around and sacrifice absolutely everything to make the ones I love happy. It's all 4 and none of them.  And now I have to define where I want to be. And it is so much more than just weight. This experience is about the mind-body-spirit. And I'm to grow and shrink and be better.  And I have to put that in a statement. That fits on an index card. 

So lets start with the easy stuff - Lose weight - Be healthier - Feel better - Try new food (the diet doesn't require it, but I should at least try something new for variety)

HA! The rest will be written and sealed in an envelope. But I'll know what's in there.

Someone want to give me some calculus homework? It may be easier.