Words > Action......maybe

Actions speak louder than words?

Trust me when I say....

Let me explain...

Don't misinterpret, I'll tell you...

Believe me when I say...

Be honest, communicate, talk, I will tell you the truth. I will tell you if things change. We will talk about it. Talk talk talk. Blah blah blah blah blah....(insert fog horn sound here)

*sigh* seems to be a theme lately with me. With everything. With everyone. I have a distinct problem of reading people's actions, sometimes correctly, sometimes not. I would say that often times I read them incorrectly but lately I'm never sure what's truth and what's a really bad interpretation. But there are all these things that people want you to believe. They tell you certain things....truths....facts....whatever and you are supposed to believe them. But what do you do when the actions and words are so wildly mismatched?

I know, lets talk about it. Let me ask you, or why don't you ask me what the deal is. What the reality is. Lord knows guessing really never seems to work as planned. But what do you do, even after the 100% seeimingly honest conversation, if still, the actions are so far from the words? When the truth still seems out of reach?

It seems like every direction I turn I can't get honesty out of the people that I actually need the most honesty from. Lets be honest...most people I'm not really sure I care too much if they lie about some things or exaggerate. I really don't get involved enough to have it affect me one way or the other. But those who I have given my trust to I hold to a higher standard. Especially when they say things like trust what they say no matter what. Their words are what matter. Their words are the truth.

It's killing me. And I'm not me when things I stake a part of myself on are just an illusion. I'm not me when I'm confused and hurt. And I miss me. I don't trust easily and I'm at a loss of what to do. Various scenarios, options, actions, inactions and words...most of all words, go through my mind. Play and replay trying to figure out what the reality is. What to believe and what not to. Because I know the truth is a lie and the lie is likely the truth but I'm to trust the words which are the truth but in reality who really knows as they are likely the lie? (run on sentences rule) And if the truth is a lie then I'm not really anything and that means all that's been invested was a waste and since when I commit to something I commit everything then I'm not worth much in that situation.

I don't really have a point except dammit just say what you mean, mean what you say, period. It's the quickest way to hurt someone who invests something as valuable as themselves in you. If you want your word to mean something, then actually mean what you say.

Goals? I don't need no stinkin' goals!

Goal statement. I have to write a goal statement. Something saying where I want to be in 10 months. How I want to be. How I want to feel....something more than "xx pounds lighter. Dress size of...". It has to be....more. Personal. Something telling about me. A transformation.  Don't get me wrong, it isn't that I don't have a lot of things that fit the bill of who, how and what I want to be but it is that "putting it down on paper in a tidy little statement" that is going to be a near impossible task for me.

You see I won a contest for this transformation. \Ki'netik\, a local fitness center, was having a contest where, if picked as the winner, you win the most incredible 10 month membership ever. You get coaching, diet, the workouts (minimum 4 a week + 2 cardio outside of the gym). It is meant to not just change the body but everything. The  winner will be better... I will be better. And part of this is writing a goal statement on where I want to be at the conclusion of the 10 months.

Today should have helped. In a very round about way it should have helped. This could have been perfect timing to be given this assignment after the seminar. So at work our department went to a seminar about how to deal with difficult people. (OK stop right there...I'm not being difficult and I'm not going to have conversations with myself. Well, maybe a few.) The part that applies is where we took a quick personality test to determine where we fall on the personality graph. Which quadrant determines your style, your way of communicating, your thought processes, your reactions to about anything.  Looking at the traits of each quadrant, I couldn't see a clear one. I didn't feel a pull toward anything. The test agreed. BOTH of my scores fell exactly on the center. I'm.....everything. And nothing. All in one. Granted this wasn't the most scientific of evaluations, the ones I've taken in the past have said pretty much the same thing. I'm all over the map by being right in the middle of everything.What the hell am I supposed to do with that? 

I'm trying to figure out who I am. All I want is one definition. And maybe that's just it. There isn't one and maybe I shouldn't be looking for it, but I am just the same. And now I need to actually define something about me that isn't all over the map. It's very hard for me to commit to a tiny box I know I can change, modify and grow and completely burn and redefine at will! But the thought of any box is terrifying and comforting all at once. I want definition but fear being stuck. I guess that's why I had 2 wildly different majors in college. Why, despite my software background I gravitate toward photo using alternative processes. Why I'm hard and defined and need things completed in a certain way and then turn around and sacrifice absolutely everything to make the ones I love happy. It's all 4 and none of them.  And now I have to define where I want to be. And it is so much more than just weight. This experience is about the mind-body-spirit. And I'm to grow and shrink and be better.  And I have to put that in a statement. That fits on an index card. 

So lets start with the easy stuff - Lose weight - Be healthier - Feel better - Try new food (the diet doesn't require it, but I should at least try something new for variety)

HA! The rest will be written and sealed in an envelope. But I'll know what's in there.

Someone want to give me some calculus homework? It may be easier.

Crankies, Customer Service, Clocking Out and Caffeine.

For the last two days I've felt a bit cranky. Which is odd considering for the past few weeks or, perhaps, even longer, I've felt elated….I've been walking on air. Maybe it's reality setting in, but more than likely, its that I'm a bit overwhelmed with some things I'm not going to elaborate on and well, a bit disenchanted with that which has enchanted me.

For my part time life I work in a retail store selling cell phones. In short the company is fantastic and I highly recommend them to just about anyone who is willing to work hard and have a positive attitude and who can work well with customers. They will reward and recognize you and build you according to your strengths so that you remain happy, positive and productive.

I am a happy, positive and productive employee, my numbers prove that. I am thrilled every day that I am there to be there. I love each and every one of my customers (even the guy who dreamed up a whopper of a lie so he could return his phone…..not necessary, you're within 30 days we'll do it with a smile as long as it is in like-new condition). What is very important to this company is customer service. As a team member you must, above all else, provide excellent customer service, over delivering and exceeding the customer's expectations every chance you get. A happy customer is one who will return. If you come into my store I will do everything to make sure you are happy, even if you do not purchase anything today, you may tomorrow, or the next day because we were nice and attentive to you. It pains me when I hear horror stories of customers walking into the store because another one was mean to them. They actually say that…. "they were just mean to me". NEVER should anyone experience that. The word no is not an option. One of the things I was taught in training was to find the path to yes. That doesn't mean roll over and hand out everything for free but to exhaust every avenue so that we can help you get the service and products you need, even if that means we can't help you I will still help you find a solution. Why? Because it's about you, not about me. I do not work on commission. (remember that) Let me say that one more time for the kids at home… I DO NOT WORK ON COMMISSION. Of course the store needs to do well to stay open and we get incentives for being successful but the bottom line: I do not work on commission. So I will provide you service, mostly because I've been in your shoes. I've been the customer who never gets waited on. I've been the customer on the other end of rude employees. I've been the customer who has been made to feel like they are just an interruption in the employee's otherwise busy existence texting or surfing the web or socializing or cleaning the scum from under their fingernails. I have felt like a burden to the EMPLOYEE who was hired to serve me, the customer. Hmmmm that's backwards. I have vowed to never be that horrible employee. And I have not been.

BUT, let me say this one more time in case you missed it….. I do not work on commission. I have a family I adore. I have a full-time job. And even if I had neither of those things guess what, I have a life. My life. One outside of that little store. Even if that life that I live consists of driving home and sitting on the couch eating Fritos and watching Conan that's my life to decide what to do with it.

But I'm cranky. I don't feel like going there for the first time since the day I started. I'm downing caffeine, my one really addictive drug. (Also the chocolate addiction is in high gear but I view chocolate as essential for sustaining life.) I have been cranky for 2 days. And I realize the reason I don’t want to go back is the one thing I love the most…you! Not all of you are the reason I don't wish to return. But you, you who find the entertainment value in coming into the store to screw with me. You who actually think it is funny that you are asking me to activate another phone at 8:58 pm. I have one guy who has done this to me 4 times. 4. And each time asks "What time do you close?" "9" "What time is it now?" "9:07 sir" *he smiles* Yes sir, you are screwing me out of spending any time with my son or really doing anything and you think this is fun. You probably go out and tell your buddies how you're pulling one over on "the man". Did you know I need to stop for gas on the way home? Did you know by camping out in the store until 9:45pm I cuss at Sheetz' very existence because I don’t feel like stopping? I hate my car for daring to use the gas I put in it despite actually driving? And did you know that after you leave and I close the gate I can't just walk out? Did it ever dawn on you I have a list of responsibilities I need to do before I can actually leave? And so help me if a register is off or some other issue crops up like a computer crash (those are loads of fun given how long they take to boot back up) And this isn't unique. There is a joke in the store that if I'm closing, a customer will 100% walk in right before closing to activate phone(s) and 9 times out of 10 there will be an issue and I will have to call the carrier. And then it will be a perfect sale where they want an Invisishield installed, and oh dear that data transfer which takes a year and a day to complete! Remind me again WHY you think this will take a total of 120 seconds when you walk in at 8:58? Wanting 3 phones (3 phones was 2 days ago and broke me)? And oh, yes, please be mad at me when I can't transfer the data from your 1982 phone that no longer works to your new phone, I love that. I will still do what I can, I will try my best. And I will smile and be courteous and I will THANK YOU even though in my head I have other scenarios playing out. I will smile because I have pride in myself, I have pride in my store and even if you don't respect me one little bit I will respect you. Treat others as you would like to be treated, isn't that how it goes? But guess what, what comes around goes around. Someday you too will experience someone who is not respectful of you and I do hope you learn your lesson and change your ways. And for the record, I am NOT ON COMMISSION. So when you keep me late, I get nothing. I'm not a used car salesman. When you keep me late, you are now on MY time and that is what makes me really really cranky. And just so we're completely clear, I was not put on this Earth to serve as your play thing and I don't work on commission.

Maybe customers don't expect good service anymore and there are reasons that some seem to calculate the way to hurt an employee the best they can. I do believe customer service in this country is messed up and backwards. I have always believed companies should provide the best and that too many non-customer service oriented people are in a position where they should be providing it but won't. But I will provide it, I promise, but please respect me as well. I am human too.
And….tonight, the store closes at 8:57 (not really, I've tried to shut the gate minutes before 9 and felt guilty. Stupid stupid rule follower that I am) I really hope you let me clock out on time.

The Best and The Worst....

We had a meeting this morning at work and came away with the assignment to submit our 2 favorite websites and 1 that we consider to be the worst. That task is more tough than it sounds. I also am trying to balance it with our needs, but in general what is good/bad. Instantly I knew there were a few I go to often that just irritate me every time I'm there but I couldn't quite remember which ones they were....until I quit looking and started doing my own thing. Then I remembered. I checked the kids' hockey schedule...grrrrrrr. I went to pay a bill...grrrrrrr. OH I HATE THOSE SITES! Check.

Its really easy to pick out ones you hate. Not so easy on ones you love because they are easy to use. They don't cause your blood to boil, irritation factor to increase or banging on the keyboard and general yelling at your screen to happen. I don't know that I'm looking at any one feature as much as I'm looking for ones that just plain make my life easier. I am not a patient person when it comes to things like this. I rather hate when I can't find information. I had to think about what sites I actually GO to rather than just search on google with "site:xyz.com" in my query.

Before I go any further, I will 100% admit my blog is kinda sucky in the layout department. I like my wordpress blogs better and may move this one. So go ahead and criticize, I'm good with it :)

My task was actually more than the 3 sites, I am to find others' opinions and try to scour thoughts from outside of our very small group (and some other things but no need to list them all here). So I did what anyone would do who had a task like this, I asked twitter and Facebook! Now these are not all my entries. Actually, I personally only put 2 on but I tend to agree with most of these.

So far this is where we stand.....

Best! (in no particular order except what I wrote in my notebook as I saw them)

• igoogle
• apple
• google
• cnet
• ebay
• verizon
• amazon
• google shopping
• Kohls (unless you're paying a bill)
• Victoria's Secret (except search drill-downs)
• Ben the Bodyguard
• jquery
• woot!
• craigslist
• SearchTempest

Irritating and Worst! (some are just irritating, some are just horrid, I'll let you decide which is which)

• Toys R Us
• Hapico
• Penn State
• Centre Daily Times
• Crailtap
• Yvettes Bridal Formal
• Disney
• Havenworks
• SCYIHA ---> A LeagueLineup site which actually has a seemingly nice site.
• Reliance Bank --> I HATE having to search for how/where to do things.
• Be the Bodyguard
• Allegheny Power

So PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE add to this list!!!

The Birds

You know the movie. And if you don't, here it is in 1 minute and 40 seconds.

Well, appropriate for Halloween, on our way to see haunted caverns we saw scenes directly from the movie. The kids were oooing and awing. The first sight I wish the camera on the phone was ready faster as it was incredible. I wish I had gotten them all standing in the field but those birds.....well, it was like they were reading my mind and took off again! They were everywhere.

These are taken directly at the end of my road.

This one doesn't even cover a tiny bit of what was in the rest of the sky. In was insane. I mean I know they fly south together but this was way more birds today than I have ever seen at once.

Look how many are still in the sky, just in what you can see and there are ooooodles more on the ground and in the trees. Just wacky!

The kids loved it. I'm thinking I won't show them Al's movie just yet...

I really feel like a hamster. I hate loathe and detest when people mess with my things. I think a lot of it comes from just not being grounded maybe. A lack of trust in other people? Or maybe its because someone has controlled most aspects of my life for so long that when something like furniture that I consider to be home base changes I just get insanely unsettled.

That's my life at the moment. True that its only one aspect of life (well all are a big undefined I suppose) and one maybe I should care less about but, its one I carefully had set up and created a home in. One I could feel comfortable and safe in....one I could relax in and let the creative energy flow. One that should be a constant. Now its changing and for reasons I just have a really hard time understanding and ones that just don't hold up. but nonetheless things are changing. My stuff is living in in disarray and my creative space feels cold and empty. Its no longer warm and inviting.

Through all this I've found out a lot of things or had a lot of things solidified for me. So in addition to that I feel like a hamster whose cage has just gotten cleaned. Anyone who has ever had a hamster knows what I'm talking about. Everything is uprooted and I have no grounding. I'm buying bricks and I'm strapping them to my feet. To hopefully hold me to the Earth.

For safety.

The sticker on the back of that van says "For safety this vehicle does not exceed 65 mph"

OK, so you can't see it clearly as we were both in motion and the phone's shutter just isn't that fast, but I so wish you could. It would make this picture so much funnier. But you'll have to take my word for it :)