Labels. We label everyone. We label most everything. Whether we intend to or not. People categorize things, places...people. Its how we make sense of our world and how we roll, whether we like to admit it or not. We say labeling is bad. We resist them if we deem them offensive in some manner, classifying in a way that is inconvenient for our beliefs on a topic. We wish to not be labeled ourselves for we resist being placed inside a box, pigeon holed, stuck in a definition of self that we fear we won't escape once placed there. But, when that label elevates us we embrace it, forgetting how we have said labels are something we should never use. But for that moment, as long as the definition is what is acceptable we can be thrilled.
Honestly I don't know where I'm going except that recently this labeling has not sat well with me.
Me. I am a woman. Female. I've never much thought of that as a bad thing. Its who I am and also something I am neither able to change nor do I wish to change it. I am who I am and I am proud of it. I've worked in places where being someone of that definition is not desirable or rewarded. I've been lucky enough to have my manager come to me with a tiny slip of paper that says I'm getting x amount of dollars raise because, well, they underpay females and don't want to get sued so they are bumping us lowlifes (lowlifes == my interpretation) up. Hmmmmm.....I couldn't yell at him. I couldn't cry at the fact that you have defined me as less and think its ok. I also did not say thank you. What I did say was "I just don't know what to say to this." I actually would like to explore this one more, but its not as pertinent to today.
Today I had two distinct encounters with labeling.
First I had to accept a label for my child. Something I never wanted to do. Something I resisted because......labels are bad. But what if this label is good? What if it Is OK? What if, in the end, I got past myself and all these negative thoughts about that word "label" and just helped her. In the end, it is what I did. I let go of all the things I heard "them" say, and allowed the label. And I am getting it in writing. And I am OK with it because it is the right thing to do. When it comes down to it I have some idiotic preconceived notion about what having one would mean for her. That no matter what, having one is bad. But because I finally let go, and realized it wasn't about me, she can flourish in a wonderful way. Time will tell if her path is improved, but either way it will be because of actions, not because of this one word or grouping of words that truly aren't bad, demeaning or detrimental. It is nothing but a key to assistance not otherwise afforded to her and for that I decide I shall be grateful.
Secondly, ironically, I received a label. One that I'm sure was not malicious. One that I'm sure was not meant to cause me any feeling good or bad whatsoever. But.......it did. It left me unsettled. Suddenly I was defined by someone in a way that kind of surprised me. Nothing good or bad. But also not expected. I'm still trying to wrap my head around why this one thing bothers me, but it does and even if it changed now I don't think I could trust it. But once placed into this bucket I examined what this meant. And it made things I thought to be, not be anymore. I was defined, fenced in a way and as fine as that is, its not what I expected. So, I'll process it and move on because in the end, the label isn't bad. It just is. A way of defining and ordering that which is out of order. And so in return I have, for good or bad, changed the labeler's label in my eyes....unexpectedly and automatically, without decision placed them into a different bucket... one I didn't expect them to be in but when you are defined and a relationship is defined as different than previously thought, you re-bucketize. And that's a good thing.
And so I will create order where there is none. I will accept what is good and helpful. And I will allow holes in my buckets and leave open the possibility for worlds and definitions to collide, get mixed and get muddy because out of that muddled chaos where definitions get cloudy and crazy, new wonderful things, relationships and connections can be born and grow into the most amazing things. So plant a seed in the mud leaking from your buckets and allow things to become more than you ever thought, or not, but the possibility of more is a truly amazing thing.
There's a whole in my bucket dear Liza dear Liza..... but I ain't mending it.
