Words > Action......maybe

Actions speak louder than words?

Trust me when I say....

Let me explain...

Don't misinterpret, I'll tell you...

Believe me when I say...

Be honest, communicate, talk, I will tell you the truth. I will tell you if things change. We will talk about it. Talk talk talk. Blah blah blah blah blah....(insert fog horn sound here)

*sigh* seems to be a theme lately with me. With everything. With everyone. I have a distinct problem of reading people's actions, sometimes correctly, sometimes not. I would say that often times I read them incorrectly but lately I'm never sure what's truth and what's a really bad interpretation. But there are all these things that people want you to believe. They tell you certain things....truths....facts....whatever and you are supposed to believe them. But what do you do when the actions and words are so wildly mismatched?

I know, lets talk about it. Let me ask you, or why don't you ask me what the deal is. What the reality is. Lord knows guessing really never seems to work as planned. But what do you do, even after the 100% seeimingly honest conversation, if still, the actions are so far from the words? When the truth still seems out of reach?

It seems like every direction I turn I can't get honesty out of the people that I actually need the most honesty from. Lets be honest...most people I'm not really sure I care too much if they lie about some things or exaggerate. I really don't get involved enough to have it affect me one way or the other. But those who I have given my trust to I hold to a higher standard. Especially when they say things like trust what they say no matter what. Their words are what matter. Their words are the truth.

It's killing me. And I'm not me when things I stake a part of myself on are just an illusion. I'm not me when I'm confused and hurt. And I miss me. I don't trust easily and I'm at a loss of what to do. Various scenarios, options, actions, inactions and words...most of all words, go through my mind. Play and replay trying to figure out what the reality is. What to believe and what not to. Because I know the truth is a lie and the lie is likely the truth but I'm to trust the words which are the truth but in reality who really knows as they are likely the lie? (run on sentences rule) And if the truth is a lie then I'm not really anything and that means all that's been invested was a waste and since when I commit to something I commit everything then I'm not worth much in that situation.

I don't really have a point except dammit just say what you mean, mean what you say, period. It's the quickest way to hurt someone who invests something as valuable as themselves in you. If you want your word to mean something, then actually mean what you say.

Goals? I don't need no stinkin' goals!

Goal statement. I have to write a goal statement. Something saying where I want to be in 10 months. How I want to be. How I want to feel....something more than "xx pounds lighter. Dress size of...". It has to be....more. Personal. Something telling about me. A transformation.  Don't get me wrong, it isn't that I don't have a lot of things that fit the bill of who, how and what I want to be but it is that "putting it down on paper in a tidy little statement" that is going to be a near impossible task for me.

You see I won a contest for this transformation. \Ki'netik\, a local fitness center, was having a contest where, if picked as the winner, you win the most incredible 10 month membership ever. You get coaching, diet, the workouts (minimum 4 a week + 2 cardio outside of the gym). It is meant to not just change the body but everything. The  winner will be better... I will be better. And part of this is writing a goal statement on where I want to be at the conclusion of the 10 months.

Today should have helped. In a very round about way it should have helped. This could have been perfect timing to be given this assignment after the seminar. So at work our department went to a seminar about how to deal with difficult people. (OK stop right there...I'm not being difficult and I'm not going to have conversations with myself. Well, maybe a few.) The part that applies is where we took a quick personality test to determine where we fall on the personality graph. Which quadrant determines your style, your way of communicating, your thought processes, your reactions to about anything.  Looking at the traits of each quadrant, I couldn't see a clear one. I didn't feel a pull toward anything. The test agreed. BOTH of my scores fell exactly on the center. I'm.....everything. And nothing. All in one. Granted this wasn't the most scientific of evaluations, the ones I've taken in the past have said pretty much the same thing. I'm all over the map by being right in the middle of everything.What the hell am I supposed to do with that? 

I'm trying to figure out who I am. All I want is one definition. And maybe that's just it. There isn't one and maybe I shouldn't be looking for it, but I am just the same. And now I need to actually define something about me that isn't all over the map. It's very hard for me to commit to a tiny box I know I can change, modify and grow and completely burn and redefine at will! But the thought of any box is terrifying and comforting all at once. I want definition but fear being stuck. I guess that's why I had 2 wildly different majors in college. Why, despite my software background I gravitate toward photo using alternative processes. Why I'm hard and defined and need things completed in a certain way and then turn around and sacrifice absolutely everything to make the ones I love happy. It's all 4 and none of them.  And now I have to define where I want to be. And it is so much more than just weight. This experience is about the mind-body-spirit. And I'm to grow and shrink and be better.  And I have to put that in a statement. That fits on an index card. 

So lets start with the easy stuff - Lose weight - Be healthier - Feel better - Try new food (the diet doesn't require it, but I should at least try something new for variety)

HA! The rest will be written and sealed in an envelope. But I'll know what's in there.

Someone want to give me some calculus homework? It may be easier.