The Best and The Worst....

We had a meeting this morning at work and came away with the assignment to submit our 2 favorite websites and 1 that we consider to be the worst. That task is more tough than it sounds. I also am trying to balance it with our needs, but in general what is good/bad. Instantly I knew there were a few I go to often that just irritate me every time I'm there but I couldn't quite remember which ones they were....until I quit looking and started doing my own thing. Then I remembered. I checked the kids' hockey schedule...grrrrrrr. I went to pay a bill...grrrrrrr. OH I HATE THOSE SITES! Check.

Its really easy to pick out ones you hate. Not so easy on ones you love because they are easy to use. They don't cause your blood to boil, irritation factor to increase or banging on the keyboard and general yelling at your screen to happen. I don't know that I'm looking at any one feature as much as I'm looking for ones that just plain make my life easier. I am not a patient person when it comes to things like this. I rather hate when I can't find information. I had to think about what sites I actually GO to rather than just search on google with "site:xyz.com" in my query.

Before I go any further, I will 100% admit my blog is kinda sucky in the layout department. I like my wordpress blogs better and may move this one. So go ahead and criticize, I'm good with it :)

My task was actually more than the 3 sites, I am to find others' opinions and try to scour thoughts from outside of our very small group (and some other things but no need to list them all here). So I did what anyone would do who had a task like this, I asked twitter and Facebook! Now these are not all my entries. Actually, I personally only put 2 on but I tend to agree with most of these.

So far this is where we stand.....

Best! (in no particular order except what I wrote in my notebook as I saw them)

• igoogle
• apple
• google
• cnet
• ebay
• verizon
• amazon
• google shopping
• Kohls (unless you're paying a bill)
• Victoria's Secret (except search drill-downs)
• Ben the Bodyguard
• jquery
• woot!
• craigslist
• SearchTempest

Irritating and Worst! (some are just irritating, some are just horrid, I'll let you decide which is which)

• Toys R Us
• Hapico
• Penn State
• Centre Daily Times
• Crailtap
• Yvettes Bridal Formal
• Disney
• Havenworks
• SCYIHA ---> A LeagueLineup site which actually has a seemingly nice site.
• Reliance Bank --> I HATE having to search for how/where to do things.
• Be the Bodyguard
• Allegheny Power

So PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE add to this list!!!

The Birds

You know the movie. And if you don't, here it is in 1 minute and 40 seconds.

Well, appropriate for Halloween, on our way to see haunted caverns we saw scenes directly from the movie. The kids were oooing and awing. The first sight I wish the camera on the phone was ready faster as it was incredible. I wish I had gotten them all standing in the field but those birds.....well, it was like they were reading my mind and took off again! They were everywhere.

These are taken directly at the end of my road.

This one doesn't even cover a tiny bit of what was in the rest of the sky. In was insane. I mean I know they fly south together but this was way more birds today than I have ever seen at once.

Look how many are still in the sky, just in what you can see and there are ooooodles more on the ground and in the trees. Just wacky!

The kids loved it. I'm thinking I won't show them Al's movie just yet...

I really feel like a hamster. I hate loathe and detest when people mess with my things. I think a lot of it comes from just not being grounded maybe. A lack of trust in other people? Or maybe its because someone has controlled most aspects of my life for so long that when something like furniture that I consider to be home base changes I just get insanely unsettled.

That's my life at the moment. True that its only one aspect of life (well all are a big undefined I suppose) and one maybe I should care less about but, its one I carefully had set up and created a home in. One I could feel comfortable and safe in....one I could relax in and let the creative energy flow. One that should be a constant. Now its changing and for reasons I just have a really hard time understanding and ones that just don't hold up. but nonetheless things are changing. My stuff is living in in disarray and my creative space feels cold and empty. Its no longer warm and inviting.

Through all this I've found out a lot of things or had a lot of things solidified for me. So in addition to that I feel like a hamster whose cage has just gotten cleaned. Anyone who has ever had a hamster knows what I'm talking about. Everything is uprooted and I have no grounding. I'm buying bricks and I'm strapping them to my feet. To hopefully hold me to the Earth.

For safety.

The sticker on the back of that van says "For safety this vehicle does not exceed 65 mph"

OK, so you can't see it clearly as we were both in motion and the phone's shutter just isn't that fast, but I so wish you could. It would make this picture so much funnier. But you'll have to take my word for it :)

We gots no news!

I guess I should feel very happy that I live near and work in a place where we essentially have no news. None. Nothing. Well, except for those 5 pesky stabbings last weekend. So I saw a post fly by my twitter feed last night by @SCNewsDesk about the one story and I went what? That's news? Then I heard it on the radio this morning. I was listening to @majic99fm and Jerry read the news.... 6 arrested in fighting incident last weekend but they still don't have the stabbers yet. And......... a man peed his pants. YES. A 19 year old in a college town got drunk, passed out and peed his pants. Jerry then proceeded to wrinkle up that piece of news and toss it in the trash.

But... this is news.

Some kid not only drank waaaayyyyy too much but peed his pants too! OMG stop the presses!

I know that police reports are a great source of news (and laughter). But when the front page of the news site has nothing and this combined with a condom being found and liquor being stolen and OMG streaking??? Well there was the 16 year old Philipsburg bully who stole a girl's sunglasses and when she tried to get them back punched her (jerk.... what's the rule? Oh ya, "Keep hands, feet and objects to YOURSELF!") And don't forget a 19 year old kid peed his pants! Man we are an interesting town. I think there has to be good stuff we need to find and report on. True, everyone hears the bad stuff, but we need to find a better way to harness the good stuff and make it front and center. We need to push some more positive things in our lives.

But, on the other hand. The fact that we're reporting that a 19 year old streaked on a bet is just...something, and that the police got involved, wow.... and it made the paper! Because he had been drinking and he streaked, after losing a bet, at 3:22am. Really? Someone called the cops? Really? Why not just laugh. Quit being so uptight State College!

Boy could I tell you a story about a guy who streaked on a bet at St. Vincent, in January, when college was closed, for days, because of the insane coldness. Negative double digits. Security not only showed up, but stood to watch. The kid made a killing, the school was highly entertained. And the guy who did it was one of the ultra conservative types who you would NEVER peg to do anything like this. But he laughed and said later "what the heck, you only live once and its time I did". Even my little Catholic School could find humor and live on the light side.

But I am glad we're entertained by our news. Hopefully crappy news stays away and we continue to get the dumb stuff. I'd much rather that than something horrible.

Keep being interesting!

Those Crazy College Students!

So smiling is something that I just said everyone should do in my last post, this morning....didn't I? Make someone smile. DO IT. To perfect strangers. Even if you are being wacky. Even if you are a crazy college student or old fogey. DO IT. You could be brightening a day.

I was on my way back from an appointment for which I got not entirely unexpected yet not good news at. But I end up behind this truck. (Wish I had gotten the girl but I didn't want to seem crazy....and I didn't want to wreck the car as I made that left hand turn.)

Out of that window in the back of that pickup truck appeared a face with a pink sweatshirt. She hung out that window and waved. So.....I waved back. You should have seen how excited she was. Its like she totally didn't expect anyone to actually wave back. Rinse and repeat. It was funny. It was wacky. And playing along is fun.

So now we're both smiling. And I'm smiling despite my news. You go wacky college girl, you go! Beep beep!

See what I mean about smiles? :-)

We're #1 in the #2 Business.

This morning as I was on my way to work I had the sheer delightful experience of following the honey dipper on the way up Skytop and down through the 2 lane section until we hit the bypass. You can't read it very well, its a little blurry and far away, but the back of his truck says "We're #1 in the #2 business." What a great play on words there. At least he's confident and not ashamed of the fact that he hauls shit around all day. He goes in search of it, hoards it and makes a living off of......shit.

Huh.

Not really my idea of an ideal job but that slogan, ya, it so sums it up, doesn't it? I do shit for a living and I'm the best at it. Doesn't that just apply to so much.

Yesterday. Was Monday. Totally sucky Monday. But sucky doesn't really begin to describe how yesterday went down. It was by and large one of the worst days that I've had in some time very large time period. It seemed like every time I took a breath something else happened. I tried to hold my breath but I don't look very good as a blueberry. So I'd take a breath and it just kept coming. By the end of the night I was exhausted. I went from losing someone to kids and school problems, to work stuff, to more kids problems, to the inability to see a specialist that I need to see to hearing news about a friend and really scary stuff going on in her life (kills me I can't be there to help out), to actually finding out a 14 year old family member has died and no one really knows why yet. Just that he had no shoes and was in the backyard. (Pittsburgh Post-Gazette article) Add that to everything else that's normally wonky and crazy and hard to wrap my head around and I'm losing it. And I have to act normal and act like I have it all together. For work, for kids and because that's how we are supposed to be. Don't show emotion, don't react. Just keep going like that damn energizer bunny. But that's not me. I'm a person who can't hide much unless I really have to and even then not so much. If I try to hide the feelings that I can feel, it totally comes off wrong because I'm not so good at it. I either go withdrawn which people misinterpret as mad or I come off happy because I'll just smile, no matter what. Either way there's never a clear picture. Because we, as a society, have made it not OK to express oneself. Always be on the straight an' narrow. Don't yell, don't be quiet, don't talk too much or too little. Certainly never pay attention to yourself as that is just plain selfish.

Sometimes I just want to be in someone's presence. Sometimes I don't want to talk. Sometimes I just want to be not alone yet alone all at the same time. What is so wrong with that. And sometimes I just want to try to feel what I'm supposed to be actually feeling. But it comes out wrong.

So things were as they were. I put out a call. Tell me something funny, happy, your bright spot. I certainly needed a few (thousand). But I got much more than expected. I got to remember that when things are dark, others will share their light making things seem a little better than they were a minute ago.

Special thanks to those who listened privately as well as those on twitter and Facebook who took the time to post something that really touched me and made me smile. And even the ones who posted something that made me smile without realizing how much I needed it. Because every smile that you give someone is a smile that they'll pass on. Your kindness fills the world, one set of lips-curled-up at a time. And so I smiled, and that took a little off and brightened what really ended up being a dark day.

So that honey dipper was an Omen for the day. Not that my day shall be full of shit. No. But to take what life hands you, take all that shit, and make the best of it. Put the crap in a tank and get rid of it and keep what matters close to your heart. And you all, my friends, are close to my heart and I cherish each and every one of you. I hope I can make you smile when you do and even when you don't need it. Thank you.

Voices....

When things happen, events or some kind of change, small or large, important or meaningless, the voices you hear help shape your experience.

You expect and even depend on a consistency of those voices. The ones you think you'd hear from and the ones you come to look for.

But when this thing, whatever it is, big or small, anything at all happens and it is made known to all, it is the voices of the ones you don't expect that give you the greatest joy, the greatest lesson, and that loud silence when those you expect aren't present, that would normally echo very loudly, is itself silenced by the noise that shows us there is always more in life than we expected, always another path, always more of a kind of a family than we knew.

Sometimes its easy to pretend the silence is normal, but isn't it grand when we realize there was never any silence at all.

I Love Roller Coasters, but not only at Kennywood

Today was one hell of a roller coaster ride. OK, maybe not a huge roller coaster. Maybe a short one with a big drop and a huge hill. The kind where you ride and are happy except for that one turn that cricks your neck but the rest was so much of a rush you can't stop your heart from pounding and you can't stop your legs from running back around to the entrance to get back in line to do it again.

Well that was my day. The stomach churning at the start of the day as I stood at the entrance of my Monday, my 1st day back to crazy work load from vacation. Totally unprepared for the track I had to navigate throughout the day but ready to tackle it nonetheless.

Then I slid into my seat in the car and the initial excitement washed over me as I phoned into Majic 99 and was caller #1.....then caller #8, the winning caller! Yes! I won the Kris Allen CD and a chance to win front row seats for Thursday's show. (I'll know tomorrow if I did or not)

As the day progressed I chugged up the first hill as I worked diligently on my spreadsheet, tracking and assigning issues, establishing order and then I crested the hill and spent the most amazing day riding the rest of that roller coaster. Every turn a thrill, every loop inviting and exciting. Only one weird turn of the track invaded and gave me a slight crick in the neck, which was, really a pain but as quick as it came it was gone and the exciting ride through my day continued.

The evening brought you to the end where you do a few circles and sort of calm down as you pull into the station. The 2 stooges that were here were, for the most part, well behaved (only 1 big time out each). Then the cars slid into the station with a couple of my favorite TV shows and I'm relaxed, mostly.

I exited the car and started back toward the entrance where there, I met an unexpected kindred spirit who knows all to well about the crick in the neck part of the track. And then I see a very inspiring tweet from @stevier that says "Grateful for all the people in my life. Thank you all. And that is all." So I think, with my exciting day and all who really touched me today, I'm pretty thankful for every friend I have on all their different levels. And with that I decided to hire a roller coaster engineer to remove that crick in the neck part of the track. And now that its gone, I've laid new and more exciting track that only leads to fun.

Tomorrow is gonna be great! and the day after that and the day after that and the day after that.....you get the point.

Arts Fest Day 1 & I'm All Stabbity Over It

So today is Arts Fest Day 1. Depends on how you look at it. I've been corrected saying that no, Arts Fest starts tomorrow, today is "kids day". Yes, it is the day of the art booths manned by youth that have made their own creations to sell. But, to me, its Arts Fest Day 1. There are booths filled with art, stands selling chicken on a stick and the bucket dumpers are in full action. I see nothing that says this isn't 100% Arts Fest. Sure, it may not be your kind of art, but honestly, some of the art pieces I see displayed on days 2+ are not exactly my kind of art, but that doesn't make it less art. And today's art has a little something extra thrown in, kid magic. And you can't buy it, you can't insert it into your grown up art unless the person who created it is a magical being (of which many are, but not all). There is heart and soul out there in those displays. And duct tape wallets! Unbelievable what these kids have created. I was proud and I'm not even their mom. But I get a little ummmm stabbity when people say this isn't really Arts Fest. Its like saying these kids aren't doing something that matters. "Welllllll" they'll start their crappy little explanation with. But lemme tell you saying a long drawn out "Wellllllll" in front of something totally negates whatever words will somehow be formed by your mouth and spewed in an effort to make yourself look less snooty. Its like saying "I don't mean to be rude..". Guess what, yes you do. Because if you have something to say you better believe that there is a way to say it without saying "I don't mean to be rude...".

So then I get to hear someone say, out loud, yes out loud "Look at all those freaks out there and their kids in bathing suits. What is wrong with all these people." Lady what is wrong with YOU. First of all, if you are seeing alllllll these people with kids in bathing suits I guess I'd wonder why I'm not out hunting the cool water feature that must be hiding somewhere, and yes I know where, but I'm just sayin'. 1. There are lots of kids out there, loads of 'em. 2. There are quite a few in bathing suits. 3. Its a freakishly hot and thick, humid, stifling day. 4. IT'S ARTS FEST (oh right, not til tomorrow). Conclusion: There is some sort of water thing somewhere. Which we all know is the uber cool and fun bucket dumpers. The assumption that all these parents out there are freaks and have something wrong with them is totally fucked up. Maybe it was the snotty tone. Maybe I'm just prone to stabbiness today. Whatever the reason I was irked. And so I did stand up, not literally, I stayed sitting, but I did say in a voice to be heard "I bet it has to do with the fact that they'll be playing in the bucket dumpers down in the CENTER of Arts Fest (oh right that's not til tomorrow, I mean the BEST DAY of Arts Fest, oh I'm still not getting it am I, I mean.....oh stfu its Arts Fest Day 1)" OK OK I said something more along the lines of "Oh the kids play in the bucket dumpers and misters they have set up down Allen. I take my kids every year. Its great fun." and continued to rant in my head.

And then the best. "Oh people better not be using our bathroom" (public bathroom btw) "Oh look. I just bet they're going to use OUR BATHROOM. This is so wrong. Unreal. I'd put money they went in OUR bathroom." (which happens to be public). Oh. My. Dear. [insert deity here]. Its not a flow of people. Its a couple, here and there. Usually a mom and kid. And if you didn't know the bathroom was here you wouldn't know how to find it so they know. There are no signs. We aren't turning into a truckstop. And FOR THE LOVE OF [insert deity here] would you PLEASE STFU. Its ARTS FEST. People have to pee (or other stuff). It happens. Can we PLEASE just be a little bit more, I dunno, nice. Its not like YOU have to clean it, [insert deity here] forbid. Its not like there is a line if you would have to pee. Just quit bitching just once today, please? *stabbity stabbity stabbity* And I may have said "What else is a mom with a kid supposed to do, have them pee on a tree?" OK, I didn't say the pee on a tree part. But I wanted to.

I guess what it comes down to is mindless bitching, by them, by me here. But why can't we let magic happen around us even if we don't take part. Why can't we be a little more understanding of people who need to use facilities. And really, why can't we all just get along. I'm from Pittsburgh and I was raised in a town that was better than than saying no, you can't use my bathroom, you are all freaks because you play in water and I'm sure as hell better than to say that a creation made with love and heart isn't art. We are all better than that, or should be. And you know what....so is this town. So I think we need to get all the duct tape wallet kids together with their rolls of lovely colored duct tape and let them go at the agents of chaos.

My MBP is so funny....NOT

Today I was ever so patiently (OK, not so much) waiting for the day to end. I was ready to blow the workplace for the day and enjoy a little time doing just about anything non-work related. Which, of course, given that I live in the woods, entailed a trip to Walmart to buy poison to kill the inevitable ant nests around the yard (go living in the wilderness!) Side note: These are the biggest flippin' scary ants I have ever encountered.

So I'm waiting. I'm waiting. I'm waiting. I'm tiiirrrreeeeddd. When the heck is the end of the day coming! Then I notice that the time in my VM is roughly an hour later. Hmmmmmm. MBP one time (which is the clock I look at), Windows in Fusion something else.

I ask the folks I'm IMing with what time it is. Both respond with roughly the same time 2:36pm. Whew! Quitting time is 3 and I was almost outta there! But.......

NOT FUNNY MBP, NOT FUNNY AT ALL. I have soooooo got my eye on you now. No more dirty tricks, you hear that???? And this is the first time Windows has ever done me a favor. I'll be nice and not complain (much) for a few days.

I choose to go barefoot.

Faith. We have it in humankind, people, our family, our friends. Sometimes it is what drives us. Sometimes it causes us to take a moment, pause and go "what the hell?". So many things recently really make me question that faith and get me down. Watch the news, read the virtual or tangible newspaper, watch your twitter feed. Really, anywhere you find news and you will find stories and opinions and thoughts about how awful the state of things are. Name a thing. Health care, the oil spill, the ozone, schools, your neighbor, bugs, dirt... you name it everyone has something bad to say about pretty much anything and everything. People are at fault. People are arguing about something or other. People are doing awful things in support of or against some cause, which really, doing awful things only makes you an awful person and therefore I have no care as to what your cause is because now I am blinded by your awfulness, but I digress.

On a more personal and close to home level I've been questioning my judgment in people. Every time something good happens or I make a connection I now wait for the other shoe to drop. I hate the other shoe. HATE IT. Because it won't stay on the foot it is supposed to stay on.

One person, who is a friend, I keep catching (unbeknown to them) that truthfulness doesn't seem to be a strong quality. I forgive, I understand and I don't even bother confronting because at this point its not something to address. I will should a true need arise. There are a few others in which when the friendship progressed to a more honest or deeper level and I then began to wonder if I much preferred them before I knew them because the truths seemed to be too much to think about and made my head hurt. See my problem? One lies too much and the others not enough. I know, no happy medium. Its just that when I noticed certain things I considered to be fundamental I was shocked at just how crazy things turned, in a way I never expected and given how the situations unfolded I was disappointed that the apparent illusion of what was was really never at all. *shoe drop*

I have gotten to overhear a lot of cattiness and backstabby folks lately and I am eternally grateful for my earphones as its nothing more than a poisonous fog that will envelop you and choke the life from you. And I've still not even scratched the surface of things, that's not even the big things! Combine all this with my work stress and complete and total lack of sleep and an insane life its easy to see how I'd be near the edge.

And then this. In this corner...with tears in my eyes.
O M F G. SERIOUSLY????? SERIOUSLY??????? They are going to prevent a playground and threatened to use her kids' names against her? All to get her to not even BE HEARD at the community meeting???? In this great country THIS is considered right and good....not even being allowed to be heard in a constructive and respectful way and WITHIN THE SYSTEM??? SERIOUSLY????? WTF IS THAT. Let me just say MY Steel City Heart is BREAKING for Amy Ambrusko. Read her blog The Callapittar Blog. Feel her love. Feel her passion. Feel her drive. And she gets treated like this. Can those horrid people get any lower? O M F G. Over the edge I go. *shoe dropped and burst into fiery flames from hell except I don't believe in hell but that's another story*

I'm stressed. I'm crying. I'm pissed. I'm losing faith.

....



....



but.......


There are bright spots. How did I let my vision get so clouded as to forget to see them. (3 hours sleep every night for nights on end more than likely)


The bright spot in the horrible tale of Amy Ambrusko and her team trying to make this incredible gift to Pittsburgh is themselves! HOW incredible that out of all this sadness and tragedy she still is giving back to her city and her children and to all children. And, of course, Virginia Montanez, for unleashing all of Pittsburgh to come down on Dave Shields with letters and phone calls and I'm sure showing up in droves to support Amy's right to be heard. My heart will always pump my black and gold blood no matter where I am and I'm proud that I am honored to watch how Burghers come together to do the right thing.

Then, how I sometimes overlook my best friend who almost every day for 2 years shows up, even if just for a quick hi. How I can quick send a message that says "I need you" and like a fairy my friend appears. I did that today. I sent a message saying just that and without fail everything that had brought me down (which isn't all in here ;) ) was whisked away by the one person who can save me every time from my thoughts. So thank you my friend.

Earlier in the week I was surprised by a friend who I may not have noticed how caring they were but noticed I was down and came out of nowhere to give me a smile. Thank you too, you know who you are.

Or Tuesday when instead of declaring my love for Tuesday on twitter (because Tuesday IS the best day of the week) I quickly dismissed it and wished for Friday. I was about instantly flooded from all directions with messages reminding me of my love for the day! Some messages wondering what was going on. I guess I hadn't noticed the quantity of people who paid attention to my love affair with that most glorious day and maybe, who knows, come to expect a "Happy Tuesday! Put your shield on b/c its the best day of the week!" from me but it sure gave me a snap to receive so much love from my twitter, facebook etc. friends. Thank you.

So again I guess my point is things are crappy. No, just kidding. Things aren't crappy but there are crappy things, all the time. But look for the bright spots. Drive for the bright spots. And if you don't see them, create the bright spots. And....BE A BRIGHT SPOT for someone and for yourself. Tell someone something good. It really does come back to you in the very best way possible.

And go barefoot. I choose to go barefoot. If you don't wear shoes, no shoe can drop. Shield on and GO!

Coast of Carolina

I'm listening to Jimmy's new Encores album, a recording of songs he's performed acoustic at his concerts. Its amazing to see. I love when he does this at the concerts while the band is taking a break. Then they'll slowly filter in. Anyway, I adore the song Coast of Carolina, especially the chorus.

From the bottom of my heart
Off the coast of Carolina
After one or two false starts
I believe we found our stride
And the walls that won't come down
We can decorate or climb
Or find some way to get around
Cause I'm still on your side
From the bottom of my heart.

Goodness knows I've had just a few bad starts and hiccups along the way. But I think I've found some footing in how to navigate this crazy existence. And (not using the lemonade analogy) when a wall appears in our path we should paint it, go over, dig under, walk around or just hang a picture on it. Either way, it is what it is so no matter what, SS&H (Stay Smiling and Happy.....to use a phrase from Russ who says this at the end of everything he writes).

Look on the bright side and go do the happy thing. Ima gonna. :)

What kind of day....

So the facebook app that has been used a lot lately by many of the people I've friended is the Daily Horoscope. I admit, I use it. It auto-posts a horoscope daily. More recently they added additional information that I suppose you are to find valuable...like, lucky time of day, lucky color, lucky number or even your mood.

So I'd read mine, not at any particular time, but I would. Usually get a chuckle or a "hey, that's today". Sometimes they're a bust, sometimes relevant. Its all random.

But then I started reading people saying things like "next time my horoscope says it will be a crappy day, I'm going to believe it". Add to that I was puzzled when it said I would be irritated yesterday. I was fine when it said I would have a good day, but irritated? I wonder if I had read that early in the morning if I would have allowed more things to get to me and bother me and thus be irritated. Its not that I didn't have my usual dose of things that didn't sit well or didn't go right, but if I let them define my entire mood for the day I could then have claimed the prediction to be accurate and my feelings then validated. Most likely I would now be referring to yesterday as an irritating or bad day instead of referring to it as a great day because I did good work and talked to great people, despite the things that may have been bothering me.

But if I get stuck in believing this prediction of my being for a day, which I think tends to happen to those that read it, I think it can take away from the drive to be happy....an excuse to not strive for it. Power of suggestion taking hold, even unconsciously. Anyway this is just what I decided to ponder after seeing yesterday's post and my friend's post. In the end you have whatever kind of day you want to have.

And just for the sake of argument I did check mine today....

Mood: Sportive
Your Daily Lucky Color: Green
Lucky Number: 73
Lucky Time of Day: 10am

1....I am in a frolicsome and playful mood. Alright, lets have FUN!
2....I'm wearing green today....Score!
3....ok, don't care.
4....Hmmmm, 10am was the time of my meeting that went insanely well. Where I ended up being really touched.

I'll take it! Today anyway :)

To peel or not to peel...

Labels. We label everyone. We label most everything. Whether we intend to or not. People categorize things, places...people. Its how we make sense of our world and how we roll, whether we like to admit it or not. We say labeling is bad. We resist them if we deem them offensive in some manner, classifying in a way that is inconvenient for our beliefs on a topic. We wish to not be labeled ourselves for we resist being placed inside a box, pigeon holed, stuck in a definition of self that we fear we won't escape once placed there. But, when that label elevates us we embrace it, forgetting how we have said labels are something we should never use. But for that moment, as long as the definition is what is acceptable we can be thrilled.

Honestly I don't know where I'm going except that recently this labeling has not sat well with me.

Me. I am a woman. Female. I've never much thought of that as a bad thing. Its who I am and also something I am neither able to change nor do I wish to change it. I am who I am and I am proud of it. I've worked in places where being someone of that definition is not desirable or rewarded. I've been lucky enough to have my manager come to me with a tiny slip of paper that says I'm getting x amount of dollars raise because, well, they underpay females and don't want to get sued so they are bumping us lowlifes (lowlifes == my interpretation) up. Hmmmmm.....I couldn't yell at him. I couldn't cry at the fact that you have defined me as less and think its ok. I also did not say thank you. What I did say was "I just don't know what to say to this." I actually would like to explore this one more, but its not as pertinent to today.

Today I had two distinct encounters with labeling.

First I had to accept a label for my child. Something I never wanted to do. Something I resisted because......labels are bad. But what if this label is good? What if it Is OK? What if, in the end, I got past myself and all these negative thoughts about that word "label" and just helped her. In the end, it is what I did. I let go of all the things I heard "them" say, and allowed the label. And I am getting it in writing. And I am OK with it because it is the right thing to do. When it comes down to it I have some idiotic preconceived notion about what having one would mean for her. That no matter what, having one is bad. But because I finally let go, and realized it wasn't about me, she can flourish in a wonderful way. Time will tell if her path is improved, but either way it will be because of actions, not because of this one word or grouping of words that truly aren't bad, demeaning or detrimental. It is nothing but a key to assistance not otherwise afforded to her and for that I decide I shall be grateful.

Secondly, ironically, I received a label. One that I'm sure was not malicious. One that I'm sure was not meant to cause me any feeling good or bad whatsoever. But.......it did. It left me unsettled. Suddenly I was defined by someone in a way that kind of surprised me. Nothing good or bad. But also not expected. I'm still trying to wrap my head around why this one thing bothers me, but it does and even if it changed now I don't think I could trust it. But once placed into this bucket I examined what this meant. And it made things I thought to be, not be anymore. I was defined, fenced in a way and as fine as that is, its not what I expected. So, I'll process it and move on because in the end, the label isn't bad. It just is. A way of defining and ordering that which is out of order. And so in return I have, for good or bad, changed the labeler's label in my eyes....unexpectedly and automatically, without decision placed them into a different bucket... one I didn't expect them to be in but when you are defined and a relationship is defined as different than previously thought, you re-bucketize. And that's a good thing.

And so I will create order where there is none. I will accept what is good and helpful. And I will allow holes in my buckets and leave open the possibility for worlds and definitions to collide, get mixed and get muddy because out of that muddled chaos where definitions get cloudy and crazy, new wonderful things, relationships and connections can be born and grow into the most amazing things. So plant a seed in the mud leaking from your buckets and allow things to become more than you ever thought, or not, but the possibility of more is a truly amazing thing.

There's a whole in my bucket dear Liza dear Liza..... but I ain't mending it.

You are worth it. I am worth it.

I'm angry. And sad. Yes. Despite the fact that I am sitting outside on my front porch, enjoying the brisk cold breeze waiting the sun to move enough to touch my toes. Despite the fact that I get the afternoon "off". Despite the fact that my boys are running around the front yard and making me smile at them and Moe stops by to give me drive by kisses (he's a race car driver at the moment). We are all proceeding with our life as normal, but I'm sitting here wondering....what is my life worth? Theirs? Yours? What defines worth? Amid all the crap spewing from the TV and radio about Health Care Reform and Death Panels. I have no idea what that means and holds and really I don't give a shit right now, but here I am, faced with a 95 year old grandmother who was sentenced to death by the system, by the workers, by her family. (not me, or my sisters mind you but we are fighters when it counts)

So my question is, when is a life not worth fighting for any longer? When do you give up on a person....just quit. Quit feeding them, quit hoping for them, quit loving their presence. I know, understand and get that there are degrees of when the right time is to let go. And you all have answers for this based on your personal experiences, and I don't discount those. But from my recent experience, I cannot support not fighting in cases like my grandma.

She had a stroke. It was determined very early (by God knows who) that "this is as good as it gets" as she laid there, body in shock. Immediately unable to communicate in really any way. She couldn't feed herself. Because she couldn't feed herself she did not get fed. Luckily she was hydrated because they had an IV in her so that they could continue to pump morphine into her system. But, as that morphine wore off, she did begin to communicate in some ways with my sister, motioning to her for a drink as she was parched. Smiling when my sister would come into the room, communicating how she could. She would let my sister know when the pain was too much, and then my sister would get the nurse to give her morphine. She was there. Fighting. People who want to die do not fight. People who want to die do not suck down orange juice with all the force they can muster, even though swallowing wasn't working very well. But still, no food is given. Because she went without basic nutritional needs for so long, especially in the very beginning, her physical condition greatly and rapidly deteriorated. The nurses told my sister (as my grandmother asked for food) not to worry, that soon her brain would no longer recognize the hunger pains. WHAT? She's hungry. She's letting you know she's hungry. And after awhile starvation is not recognized by the brain. ??????????? I get the brain learns to deal....go brain! But, SHE'S HUNGRY.

I'm certain thru the care my sister gave her she lasted as long as she did. The hospital finally pitched enough of a fit that the family moved her to a nursing home where she'd smile and reach for my sister, rubbing her arm. She was getting some food down (SHE IMPROVED), but by this point her internal organs were shutting down so it made little difference. It was too late. They starved her body at the critical time, when she could have improved and sustained life. My sister did what she could for her and in the end she passed in her sleep. Thankfully, appearingly, painfree...

I can't help but wonder if she had been 40, with 3 young kids, would we have given her a feeding tube when her body needed nutrition the most....after all, we shouldn't leave kids without a mom.

I can't help but wonder if she was 16 would we have done everything we could to fight for her life and rehabilitate her....because "she has her whole life in front of her"

I think of Christopher Reeve and the fact that he would have died much sooner if not for hell, every sort of intervention possible for his condition. If he was 95, would anyone have fought for him?

When is your life disposable? In all honesty, it wasn't about money. She had it. The family had it. The gas wells on the farm produced soooo much income they all could live in nursing homes, starting now. So that isn't it. It wasn't about health care insurance (see money not a factor). It was about whether or not to fight for someone's life. She was there. She wasn't a vegetable. She was trying. She was cognizant of the people around her and fighting herself for life. It was truly about her being 95 and "she's lived a good life" and hiding behind it "being God's will". God's will.. bah. If that was true my son would have burst his kidneys by now and be dead. But I began fighting for his life before he was born. If things just happen as some sort of higher power's will, why have doctors at all? Seat belts. Any protective devices to preserve life... Why? Because we have free will and we have the ability to make choices and care and do whatever is in our given power to preserve life and peace. If all we were meant to do is exist and die we wouldn't have higher brain functioning. If we can do something we should. And yes, I know, I'm on the verge of rambling on and on, but I'm not terribly pleased with things at the moment so I get to.

I pray I'm never too old to be valuable. And I pray I'm never in any situation where this is a question. If I am there, I am worth it. And you are worth it.

Fight for me. Love me. Keep me. Because I have entrusted you my heart and soul. And because I will never stop fighting for you. Never stop loving you. Never stop being thankful for the fact you have trusted me with your heart and soul.